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Tuesday, 18 November 2008

image for Pirates Capture Saudi Oil Tanker
You heard right sailor: seven pieces of eight for a sixty-nine.

Somali pirates, led by Captain Long John O'dinga, have seized a giant Saudi-owned oil tanker in the Indian Ocean and are steering it towards their Eyl port base, according to the latest online Daily Shitraker news reports. The ship's cargo of light crude oil is estimated to be worth over $200 million, with a ransom value gauged by one insurance underwriter to be 'a whole shitload of fucking money'.

The seized tanker, the Smegmadale Star, is the biggest ship ever to be hijacked, with a capacity of two million barrels - more than one-quarter of Saudi Arabia's daily output of the slippery black stinking shite.

The vessel was captured on Saturday some 450 nautical miles off the coast of Kenya. Its international crew of twenty-five, including two British pastry chefs and a clutch of Filippino Billyboys, is reported to be shitting kittens due Somali buccaneers having a reputation of gang buggering their male hostages if they refuse to walk the plank.

With a capacity of 318,000 dead weight tonnes, the ship is 330 meters in length and classed by Lloyds of London as a VBFB (Very Big Fucking Boat).

It is as long as four Tesco Extra branches stuck end to end, almost wider than Jade Goody's twat and, when loaded, weighs three times more than John Prescott.

"It's the largest ship that we've seen pirated so far," said Lt. Simon Ratbasher of the Mecca-based Salvation Army Tactical Strike Force who are monitoring the vessel's progress on YouTube.

The South Korean-built Smegmadale Star, owned by the Saudi registered Goatbonk Oasis Shipping Corp., was launched for its maiden voyage in March 2007, originally shipping bulk cargoes of French champagne, Highland malt whiskey and Heinz cream of camel soup from Europe to Saudi Arabia.

As the rest of the world goes into recession, the Mogadishu stock market's Nignog Index is peaking at an all-time high. Trade in arms dealing, conflict diamonds, hard drugs and slavery, boosted by their home-grown blooming and profitable pirate industry, have put Somalia in the upper ranks of the world's leading economies and a potential employment destination for migrant workers.

The Somali coastal region of Poundland is booming. Fancy villas are under construction, luxury cars imported and Polish housemaids hired by the container-load.

European soccer team celebrities and their dead-brained wives are vying and jostling to own an Indian Ocean beachside mansion at Mogadishu Sands, complete with its own private minefield and shark-infested lagoon.

All of this in a country that has not had a functioning central government since the dawn of time and is still considered by Western diplomats to be one of Africa's major basket cases.

However Western finance and investment advisors, who have been flocking to the Poundland coast in recent months, are catering their services to rank and file pirates who make an average of £130,000 per year tax-free, plus bonuses, which puts them on an equal footing with overpaid British cabinet ministers.

The main pirate stronghold, the port of Eyl, is a safe-haven where very little is done to stop the buccaneers, leading to the suggestion that the Poundland coast's civil administration may have links to the pirates.

The hardcore central leader of the pirate group, Abu Rastus al Jones, comes from the same tribal clan as the president of Somalia's transitional federal government, Abdullahi Yusuf Jones, who boasts he can trace his ancestry back to the famous Welsh pirate David Arthur Jones who settled in Mogadishu in the 1700's and established the popular Davy Jones' Locker eatery and the 'Parrot & Cutlass' buccaneering theme lap dancing bar.

Links: Jobcentre Plus / LEP website : If you think you possess the cut-throat spirit and have the drive and stamina for a pirating career, contact your local Jobcentre Plus for an application form today or download a copy from the official Somali Pirates-R-Us website.

Applicants must hold a NVQ 1 Diploma in Hostage Care and possess a current keel-haulers certificate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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