Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 18 November 2008

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Go on...give us a kiss

In Israel today Ahmed Al Mahed was resuscitated after a suicide bomb attack in Jerusalem and questioned by police. He had some dramatic news for other would-be suicide bombers.

After the bombing, Al Mahed was clinically dead for ten minutes before Israeli medics brought him back to the land of the living.

Speaking through an interpreter, he told his questioners about the time he spent in the afterlife.

"First there was this bright light, but that could have been the bomb, you know," Al Mahed said. "Then I felt myself rising, heading towards paradise. I could hear the seductive call of the twenty virgins waiting for me, and I was duly grateful for my sacrifice."

So far, so good, but there was a catch. "When I arrived in paradise, there were twenty virgins waiting for me, but they were Catholic nuns!" Al Mahed said. "Worse still, there was not one of them under the age of ninety! I saw my fellow soldiers of god with their own virgins. One had a load of babies who had tragically died in childbirth, whilst another had a room full of lesbians. It was Jared I felt sorry for. At first I thought he had it the best, as the virgins that had been waiting for him were at least young, but they were harridans who had been too spiteful to woo a man in their former life, and nagged him ceaselessly."

A cautionary tale then, and it seems the old wives' advice holds true: be careful what you wish for, it may come true.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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