Alice Bedsprings, Australia - Worried about the upcoming world recession? No need. Just book a holiday at Australia's 'Anything Goes' nude party resort to chase those blues away.
"Abso-bloddy-lutely! What will happen, will happen," prophesised Cinnamon Cockatoo resort owner Billy Bong. "We can't all just call it a day and cark it. And it won't do us any good to chuck a wobbly neither."
"They've made a right dog's breakfast of the global economy," proclaimed Mr Bong, swigging on his stubbie. "So here at the Cinnamon Cockatoo, we've decided to lift everyone's spirits with our 'Anything Goes' nude party."
Billy Bong contrasted the Aussie approach to impending doom and gloom with the final scenes on the Titanic.
"When all those passengers were left on the Titanic and about to kick the bucket, what did they do?" asked Bong rhetorically. "They struck up the band and played Waltzin' Matilda."
"That was fine in 1912, but today we're going to jazz it up like a pavlova," asserted Billy Bong. "All our jackaroos and jillaroos will be totally in the nuddy and happy as pigs in mud. No room for misery guts at our Anything Goes nude party here at the Cockie."
"We're fed up to the back teeth with all this non-stop negativity in the news every day. Here in Oz we like to party, barbie, drink hearty, and have sex, and not necessarily in that order," explained Bong, proffering a bowl of frangers displayed prominently on his desk.
Reservations at the Cinnamon Cockatoo have been pouring in ever since the announcement of the Anything Goes nude party.
Sheila Cackleberry, head hostess at the resort, reported her pleasant surprise at the increase in international bookings for the nude event.
"Lots of Seppos have booked in," said Ms Cackleberry, explaining that a Seppo was a derogatory term for an American, 'septic tank' rhyming with 'yank'.
"We've got some pretty high profile Seppos coming in for our Anything Goes nude party as well," shared Sheila in hushed tones. "Of course I can't tell you who. Let's just say that this resort used to be called the White Cockatoo and now we changed it to the Cinnamon Cockatoo, hint, hint."
In addition to all-you-can-drink alcohol, 24 hour all-you-can-eat buffets, non-stop nude foam bubble parties, and plenty of sex-on-the-beach, lots of live entertainment will be on offer as well.
"We tossed around the Titanic theme and thought of a nude Celine Dion singing My Heart Will Go On, but that idea got tossed back into the ocean pretty quickly," said a wincing Ms Cackleberry.
"So far we've booked in Georgina Baillie and the Satanic Sluts to do their nude burlesque show," confirmed head hostess Sheila Cackleberry. "And luckily Russell Brand happened to be free to do his comedy routine. When we told Brand it was an Anything Goes nude party, he waived his fee just like that."
"And we're likely to get Miley Cyrus doing a nude spoof of Michael Jackson's Thriller," shared a breathless Ms Cackleberry, adding, "As soon as we verify that she turns 16 this month."
Cinnamon Cockatoo owner Billy Bong said that while spaces are filling up fast, the Australian resort is still taking reservations for its Anything Goes nude party.
"Like I said, what goes around comes around, and I don't just mean STDs. The economy sucks big time right now," proclaimed Bong, "but it won't last forever like the Australian drought."
"So get in a nude party mood dude, and come on Down Under. Just be careful who you tailgate, mate."