Capon, Ireland - No-frills airline Tonyair has vowed to be one of the last airlines flying the friendly skies after the global economic crisis and oil prices take their toll on the industry.
In a move to cut costs, diversify markets and multitask, Tonyair CEO Michael O'Bama is diversifying his fleet to double as flying poultry plucking and debeaking machines.
"We recently gave it a dry run on a flight from Germany to Rome," announced O'Bama. "Well actually it wasn't so dry as there was blood, guts and feathers all over the plane's nose, but the point is the test run was a great success."
"We had the pilot fly into a flock of geese on his approach into Rome and suck as many birds into the engines of his Boeing 737 as possible," explained Michael O'Bama, spitting a few feathers as he spoke.
"The landing was a bit rough on the passengers, but what do you want for an international flight that cost them 99p plus tax?"
O'Bama further explained that Tonyair financial analysts have done the calculations and the numbers and birds add up.
"The best conventional poultry plucking machine can currently pluck about 300 birds an hour. And that's all they do. But our jet engines can easily pluck about 100 birds a minute. And it costs us nothing as the engines are usually turned on when we are flying anyway," crowed O'Bama.
"It's so simple; I don't know why Richard Branson hasn't thought of it for Virgin Atlantic," screeched a cocky Michael O'Bama.
O'Bama continued to explain the sheer genius of his flying poultry plucking and debeaking scheme.
"Our cabin crew basically have nothing to do on our low fares flights, and we've got plenty of space for the birds as we don't allow any baggage anymore. So we'll station some crew at the front of the planes to toss the birds into the engines and some crew will be aft towards the tail to catch the poultry with nets flying out the engines once they've been plucked."
A preening and strutting O'Bama added, "And get this. We'll station a crew member in the cargo space to beat on the chicken crates and frighten the birds to keep them in the air during the flight so there will be no added weight whatsoever. It's pure genius."
Rumour has it that chicken fast-food chain KFC has already struck a deal with Tonyair to pluck and debeak their chickens.
"We never used to bother plucking and debeaking our chickens and our customers never complained," said KFC spokesperson Colonel Cluck. "But at these dirt-cheap prices from Tonyair, we'll give it a go as our monthly special and see how it flies with our customers."
Tonyair's CEO also promised there would be special rates available to passengers who wanted to bring their own live poultry onboard as carry-on chickens and have them plucked or debeaked during their flight.
"We expect this service will be especially popular on our new Polish and East European routes," added O'Bama.
Tonyair's flying poultry plucking scheme is the second shocking announcement in as many weeks from the no-frills carrier. Last week at a news conference in Germany, Tonyair's CEO Michael O'Bama announced plans to commence bargain basement trans-Atlantic flights between Europe and America.
Whilst the trans-Atlantic economy class tickets would be sold for as little as £10 one way, business class upgrades would cost considerably more. However, O'Bama said "In business class it will be beds and blowjobs."
Shocked reporters and the public assumed the Tonyair CEO was referring to conventional oral sex in his remarks. However, Tonyair has now clarified that Michael O'Bama was merely pre-empting the jet engine poultry plucking and debeaking scheme announced today.
"Well, if business passengers want to try it for an extra £5, I guess it's up to them, as long as they sign the waiver," crowed O'Bama.
"It would give a new meaning to the Mile High Club, that's for sure. But you might want to try it out on the office shredder first because we have a no-refunds policy on Tonyair."
O'Bama added, "We wouldn't want to ruffle anyone's feathers."