Written by Zoltan Peppa
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Monday, 10 November 2008

image for Chief of Police warns public about rogue apostrophes

There's a new danger to the public. It's on the increase and The United Nations have given the green light to a new World Police Service. What is this new danger to the general public? Firearms? Narcotic's? (fuck right off) Or even Religious Cults? No, it's none of the above.

It is in fact gangs of rogue apostrophes infesting the English Language. This innocent looking punctuation mark (') is popping in many an unwanted place, and burning their unwanted presence onto people's retina's (oh fuck off) sending the reader mad with annoyance.

Newly appointed Chief of Police, Dick Stroker said, 'people have had enough of seeing things such as; DVD's, CD's, U18's, 1000's, the list is endless. Owners have to take responsibility for their apostrophes and it's my job to see that they do. The general rule of thumb is, if the apostrophe has no 'ownership licence' it's not allowed out simple as that. Everyone should take this as a warning, I'll be on the look out'.

That's proper fighting talk coming from Dick Stroker, but will writers take heed? It's anyone's guess, but people are getting to the point where they daren't pick up a newspaper or read a message on the Web without apostrophes hijacking an article. Some publications are much worse than others.

There are people only too happy to name and shame the places where rogue apostrophes frequently persist in disorderly behaviour.

'The Web', said Rob Phlegm, chief reporter for the Tymes Newspaper, 'that's the worst place to find rogue apostrophes. They roam around freely parking their arses anywhere they choose. Do writers actually know where their apostrophes are now?

'I do, I keep my in a big pen and not let then out unless under strict instruction'.

On the other end of the spectrum there is a group of liberal thinking people who believe in freethinking and free writing. And aggressive authoritarian force will only lead to trouble in the long run.

Mona Lott editor of mens' magazine 'Jug's' said, 'language has always's evolved and whether or not what's written down is 100% correct in s'pelling and punctuation, the mes'sage will still be understood. Take my magazine article's; they may not be perfect, but ultimately. If they paint a picture of leggy woman with big tit's who like it hot and dirty. Dirty old men' and adolescent's will s'till want to knock one off over the articles's'.

The debate will go on, but the Police are out there to round the rogue apostrophes up. Only time will tell if people like Mona will either, smarten up their acts themselves or Dick is coming at you.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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