Written by Rusty
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Topics: China, Royalty

Sunday, 9 November 2008

image for A Coronation in the Dragon Kingdom
The newly-constructed Royal Palace of Shittan

A process of modernisation is underway in the Himalayan kingdom of Shittan and a young, new king has just ascended the throne in a ceremony steeped in pagan smoke and mirrors ritual.

The royal palace, designed by Disney Corporation architects and recently constructed by Bechtel's Confectionary Division, was bedecked with tinsel and milk bottle tops, twinkling brightly in the afternoon sunshine.

In Crapoore, the capital of Shittan, huge crowds consisting of several people became immersed in coronation fever as the newly-invested king, Tenzing Pungrat the Second, was presented with a donkey and an Apple I-phone as emblems of his divine right to rule.

King Pungrat had the royal crown, mounted with a shitehawk and adorned with ferret skulls, placed on his head by his retiring father, Pungrat the First, whose royal line can be traced back to Ghengis Mung, the Shittanese discoverer of fire, inventor of the wheel, and the first man to employ rudimentary cave drainage techniques.

Despite questions being raised in the international press by exiled Shittan anti-monarchists concerning the new king's ability to rule, Pungrat the Second was educated in the UK at Oxford's prestigious Smegmadale College, where he shared a kennel with current British Foreign Secretary David Millipede, gained an honours degree in Political Scheming, and a NVQ 2 in Basic Plumbing Technology.

Crapoore, the only world capital without traffic lights, due having no cars or roads, was awoken to coronation day by a troupe of ganja-smoking monks, bollocks-naked apart from their scarlet head-dresses, greeting the wintry dawn from the rooftop of their Hovel Hill monastery, with clanging cymbals and long, droning horns.

Folk dancers from all over the country whirled, young ladyboys dressed as skanks performed erotic dances, and VIPs, both local and foreign, paid homage by presenting the new king with such prestigious gifts as mountain bikes, roller blades, Pringles crisps, thermal underwear and Gore-tex hiking jackets.

Underneath all this technicolour bullshit and palaver is a country taking deliberate but slow-paced calculated steps towards democracy.

When voters in neighbouring Nepal recently sacked their king for being an utter arsehole and useless twat, and sent him packing to the job centre, the Shittan monarchy caught a scent of change on the wind and decided they might be next for the chop if reforms weren't implemented to their centuries-old feudal system of government.

Thus in an act of pre-emptive self-preservation King Pungrat Senior insisted they needed some democratic medicine, and elections were held in March, with anyone who owned a donkey or could count to ten being eligible to vote for the one-party monarchist candidate.

Wedding bells are due to chime in the mountain kingdom next month too, when newly-invested King Pungrat 2 will marry his third cousin, twenty-eight times removed, Princess Soo Doku, best known to the Western media for taking the bronze medal for the Crossword Puzzle event in the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

Reservations regarding the marriage between blood relatives were voiced in the Shittan Daily Croaker as "swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool" with a royal family whose entire genetic history is one of inbreeding and in the past has produced both male and female offspring with more than the normal human allotments of fingers, toes and ears etc.

With the mountain kingdom being a former British protectorate, the coronation was attended by Prince Charles and the Royal Slug, Camilla.

As Remembrance Sunday coincided with the coronation, the Prince placed a wreath on the Crapoore War Memorial, dedicated to all those who gave their lives trying to keep Shittan British.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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