In a miraculous event, Pope Benedict XVI parted waters across all oceans, lakes and rivers this past Sunday, while commemorating the death of Martin de Flatulenz, patron saint of intestinal ills.
With arms spread wide as an open gesture of welcome to the faithful, Pope Benedict reportedly broke wind with such force as to blow a hole in the rear of his celebratory vestment as well as the stained glass window behind him. Proving the power of prayer, or at least why Germans should never mix beer, cabbage and onions at any single meal, the holy wind mixed with the arm gesture of the Pope caused an immediate shifting of the world's waters.
Countries around the world reported a split in lakes and rivers, where a clear walking path could be seen along the bottom with walls of water held up against each side. Satellites from space captured images of the same phenomenon happening to the world's oceans, albeit a temporary happening. A minute later, the paths were washed clean as the water returned to its normal state.
The Pope was at a loss for a detailed explanation except to say that "God does work in mysterious ways". One personal aide to the Pope suggested, "Perhaps that was one too many stuffed cabbages at dinner last night."
In a related story, world news services reported to see people everywhere simultaneously waving hands in front of their noses in an attempt to evade some sort of powerful odor. Most people turned to blame the dog, horse, cow, or camel closest to them. The U.S. raised its terrorist threat level to "Orange".