Today, notorious Halloween serial killer and subject of a host of Hollywood slashfest movies, Michael Myers made his first ever public announcement. Incarcerated for the most part in the Illinois Department Of Corrections Special Unit For Psychopathic And Virtually Indestructable Worst Villains In History.
Myers addressed the waiting media circus from behind a bulletproof glass screen in the prison laundry.
'I won't be going home to Haddonfield tonight,' Myers announced. 'There's just no point. They'll all be waiting for me anyway, and quite frankly the very thought of that sends a shiver down my spine. If they were to catch me they'd have no mercy. It's pretty scary really.
'Not that I blame them. I've done some pretty unsavoury things in my time, like wearing a William Shatner mask and trying to rearrange Jamie Lee Curtis's physiognomy with a big carving knife.
'But those days are behind me now. I found Jesus, he was hiding in a cigar box in my cell. Jesus told me that I had to stop killing people because it wasn't healthy.
'So I followed Jesus's advice and started to focus on being creative rather than destructive.
'I'm truly repentant for the awful things I've done in the past, and tonight, rather than terrorising Haddonfield I'll be in my cell making a life sized replica of a mutilated corpse out of matchsticks.'
At which point a warder, looking decidedly nervous intervened to declare the interview over.