Written by Charlie D. Nowhere
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Thursday, 23 October 2008

image for Local Man Accused Of Using Cell Phone While Shitting
His txt speech was crap.

Local man caves to mounting testimony from friends and admits he has used his cell phone while shitting but maintains it was only for texting and never while talking.

Jeff Blake found himself cornered in the last seat of the bar with some of his closest friends when the accusations started swirling.

"Yeah, we were like 'dude we know you talk on your phone while shitting'," said Sal Bing, friend and bar patron. "And he was like no way, never."

"Not only have I had many conversations with him when his voice sounded funny like it was bouncing off walls of a very small and most likely tiled room," said Todd Rone, another friend. "But one time in mid-conversation he says 'oh look, corn'. And another time, again in mid-conversation he says 'looks like a drowning baby' then I swear I heard a flush. What an asshole."

In what amounts to the most damning allegation happened in the same bar one week prior.

"Listen, I did go to the bathroom to take a shit," says Blake, "but my wallet fell out of my pocket and out the window, so I climbed out, and while out there I called Rone to order me another beer."

Blake's story is in doubt because, according to the bartender, Blake came back from the bathroom and not through the front door like everyone else does who is indeed outside.

Blake claims to have climbed back through the window to wash his hands.

In an attempt to prove the allegations Blake was asked to hand over his phone to be smelled in order to verify the high levels of fecal content that would be expected on a phone owned by someone who often shits and talks simultaneously.

However, Blake refused and left the bar claiming "You're all a bunch of ball sacks!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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