Pyongyang - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): North Korean party officials are poised to announce that their beloved leader Kim Jong-Very-Ill-Indeed has died from a congenital disease caught from his birth mother the Al Qaeda Puppet Monarch.
Kim, 69, has spent a lifetime hanging on in hope that his birth mother will relent and leave him the Throne of Albion.
Having been written out of the Royal Will for countless acts of daftass fornication with every illicit nuclear arms trader since Jackie Kennedy Onassis Kim went into a ten year sulk.
Meanwhile in Buckingham Palarse flunkeys are fretting over reports that Old Fatty Mountbatten herself is sickening for something godawful after becoming frightened by an ancient Hellfire Club prophecy.
This predicts a double-whammy demise for the Great Whore of Babylon and her firstborn bastard son just days after a stockmarket crash orchestrated by Opus Dei.
Camilla is covered in oozing pustules.