Following the death of Austria's right-wing Alliance party leader, Jorg Haider, a new party was launched in Vienna today. The We're Not Nazis (Honest) Party will be led by A. Dolf Haitler, and the deputy leader will be Heinrich Horstwesseler.
Speaking from his quaint cottage near Salzburg, Herr Haidler said: 'Ja, from now on there will be no more talk of the SS, no more talk of the Final Solution, and definitely no more saying that Adolf Hitler was Austria's finest export since oak-smoked cheese, and pfumpfernicklschneiderstompfen bread.' Citizens in Salzburg and Vienna spontaneously poured out into the streets to celebrate the news, and many even began patriotically cleaning the pavements, or rather getting their neighbours to, to show their support for the new tolerant party.
One supporter, Fraulein Eva Braunszirt, speaking in iffy English, said: 'Is gut, much sadness at Herr Haider's dess, he voz a good man, a good father, and a good National Socialist. Heil Haider! And ve vill get our new party going as soon as ve can get our braun shirts voshed.' But other Austrian party members were less tolerant. A Mr. Heinmann Himmling, speaking from a bunker in Innsbruck, said: 'Of course the new party isn't a Nazi one. As if we'd want to be like those left-wing, namby-pamby hippies!'
And former UN Secretary-General Kurt Waldheim added: 'Let's just hope that this new party will show the world that (the armbands will delivered as per orders on Friday, Herr Oberst) Austrian people are not all Nazis, and they (jahowhl, mein Reichsfuhrer! I'll get more swastika flags by Tuesday) will realise how peaceful and all-embracing we are (get those gold stars printed, schweinhund, or it's Ravensbruck for you!).
Herr Haider was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being dead on a beach in Paraguay.