Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 16 October 2008

image for Cardinal's Tell All Book Reveals Pope John Paul II Was Stabbed By Priest
Is the obelisk a symbol of the knife that almost killed the Pope or his happy 1990's?

A tell all book by the Cardinal who was the chief aide to Pope John Paul II has revealed that the Pope was stabbed in 1982, just one year after a shooting almost took his life. The knife wound was not fatal and the Vatican released a report that the Pope had "cut his thigh shaving."

A movie version of this book is due to premiere at the Vatican this week.

The historical book also reveals that the Pontiff was poisoned in 1983, almost hung in 1984, nearly beheaded in 1985, almost drowned in 1986, nearly drawn and quartered in 1987, almost electrocuted in 1988, accidentally gassed during an Aushwitz visit in 1989, and was run over by the Pope Mobile in 1990.

Said Cardinal Dziwisz, "I guess that just wasn't his decade. The 1990's were a little better to him."

In fact, he had a private session with the Vienna Boys Choir in 1991, met the star of Home Alone in 1992, had a private concert by The New Kids on the Block in 1993, worked out with Richard Simmons in 1994, attended the Little League World Series in 1995, dedicated a Milan orphanage for boys in 1996, did missionary work with Michael Jackson in 1997, did a repeat performance with The Vienna Boys Choir (new batch of kids) in 1998, was guest referee at the Junior World Cup in 1999, and met the Backstreet Boys (though he accidentally called them "The Backdoor Boys") in 2000.

Even though the Pope died in 2005, Dziwisz says that "he fondly remembers the 90's as the decade when he was most able to sow his seeds and spread the work."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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