A new government initiative aims to redress the issue of fatherless children. The "Fathers for Bastards" campaign is hoped to give the little bastards a chance at 'normal' family life by appointing surrogate father figures to the children who are classified as 'officially bastards'.
Only genuine bastards will become past of the scheme.
Recruitment has begun for these 'fathers', with scouts visiting known fatherly hangouts such as bars, strip clubs and car showrooms to entice volunteers.
"We've had several requests from music stars like Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter to join", said a Fathers for Bastards spokesperson.
But what of the little bastards themselves? How do they feel about the idea?
"Everyone calls me a bastard - bastard this, bastard that, fuck off you bastard - that kind of thing. It'll be nice to have a real papa", said one real-life bastard.