Written by Judge Retort
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Monday, 13 October 2008

image for Rabbi Threatened Over Chicken Ritual
Rooster rebels and tells his rabbi owner to "cluck off" and refuses to cooperate in ritual Yom Kippur slaughter.

A New York City rabbi has demanded police protection after receiving threatening emails from PETA (People for Elevated Touting of Animals) after the yearly ritual slaughter of chickens before Yom Kippur, in atonement for all of New York's recent horrendous sins of its financial community.

New York's financial sins are so egregious that there are now more Islamic terrorists circling the financial district aboard jetliners than flies on sh*t.

This all dates back to when Moses borrowed 10 shekels from Miriam and didn't pay his sister right back. Well, he kept procrastinating and procrastinating. For SIX YEARS he procrastinated! So, she had to get their big brother Aaron to weigh in.

The two brothers commenced to arguing, and then fighting, and then they brought out their staffs and right there invented Kung Fu fighting.

Aaron took a vicious swing, struck the Ten Commandments, and broke 'em right in half. In a huff, Moses stomped back up Mount Sinai and asked the Lord for another copy. God was upset because he was busy with his latest creation: a world with three genders and no death, taxes, or Microsoft. And then he found out Moses had stiffed his sister and had a fight with his brother, and worst of all had broken the law again. Moses was immediately denied a visa to the Promised Land.

Upon returning to his family, Moses, with his hands sheepishly folded behind his back, looking down and kicking around at the left-over manna all over the ground, apologized to his brother and sister. But then that old rascal invented right then and there the Jubilee -- forgiveness of slavery and debt in the 7th year - and then he procrastinated one more year, and poor Miriam never did get paid back.

So the moral is that the New York rabbi just needs to change his title to rabbit and then all the animals will get off his back. Unless that's what he wants. Some of the Judge's best friends are sheep!

But, seriously, enough with the slaughter business! Just don't call it that. Call it something more politically correct, like: 'poultry euthanasia' or 'the chicken big chill' or 'the final roost.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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