Saudi Arabia/ Rag Head News - It's not just for Mullahs anymore! Extremists around the world find Fatwas effective in controlling Plain Speak and Rational Discourse in advancing their goals of World Domination.
Examples of World Terrorism Proclamations were issued throughout the hemisphere this past week, as world citizens found their freedoms threatened, and more people moved to Alaska to avoid persecution.
Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan & Britney Speers immediately checked back into already overcrowded Hollywood rehab centers for protection after Fatwas for more modest behavior were issued, (not necessarily a BAD thing). Barack Obama did call for some restraint, however, saying, "these are some of my special supporters, we have to cut the dizzy bitches SOME slack, Ho's or Not!"
- In Israel ultra Orthodox Zealots physically attacked women wearing "red blouses", and shoppers lining up to buy MP4 players as being "Immodest"
Hordes of single women left Cook County, Ill. where gun ownership for personal protection is illegal, to other more tolerant locales for their safety.
- In Saudi Arabia Sheikh Muhammed al-Habadan ordered women to adapt a Nigab limiting eye contact to just one eye. Barney Frank ordered one for his pet "one-eyed trouser worm" to be politically correct after hearing that violators of the Fatwa "would have their eye plucked out!."
- Rev. Wright, Obama's radical religious confidant issued a Fatwa against anyone wearing a American Flag Lapel Pin, saying "God does not love Americans, especially if they are white and not voting for Hussein!"
- William Ayers, former unrepentant Weatherman Bomber issued a Fatwa in his college Political Science class at the U. Of Illinois where he has tenure, saying any student not marching and throwing stones at US institutions would receive a failing grade. Explosive devices successfully wielded by students would earn them extra credit.
- In a joint Fatwa, Rep. Barney Frank, Sen.Chris Dodd, and Franklin Raines proclaimed a massive threat to anyone looking into allegations they were responsible for the US financial meltdown that now threatens world stability.
The three financial terrorists threatened action through the ACLU and NAACP and massive economic boycotts (extortion) for anyone who reported or pursued any of their ethical or criminal actions. Frank did say, however, he would meet privately with any "whistle blower" before acting.
- Billionaire Diva and TV talk show host Oprah, issued a literary Fatwa against anyone not buying and reading her "Preferred Books." Top Oprah selections include biographies on Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Obama's 8 siblings including "George", Joe Biden, Franklin Raines, Alcee Hastings, Charlie Wrangle (sic), Rev. Al Sharpton, and Mahmoud Ahadinejad. All other publishers would be called out as "racist" on her popular TV show, a proclamation also backed by popular crap show "The View."
- Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, issued a Fatwa against THE ADMINISTRATION for causing the World's Problems. When it was pointed out that Democrats held a majority in Congress since 2006 and nothing had been done ABOUT ANYTHING in that time, she extended her Fatwa to This Reporter and some guy in Florida named "Buck".
As reported earlier in The Spoof, migration to Alaska continues unabated. Officials there said they would soon be erecting border checkpoints to insure that no Fatwa spewing Zealots would be allowed entrance into the newly formed independent country.
Former VP Candidate and Governor, Sarah Palin, has been recalled to the area to assume duties as newly proclaimed President and Commander in Chief of the Alaskan all Volunteer Defense Forces. Her platform of NO MORE BRIBES to the UN, Narco Terrorist States, Corrupt Banks,"elected" officials, and former Harvard Classmates has stuck a responsive chord in her constituents.
Among other executive actions, she named The Spoof as the country's official media outlet, an announcement that further enhanced her credibility and endeared her to ALMOST all of The Spoof contributors.
Palin said the new country is already financially independent. Huge resources of oil and natural gas can easily sustain the country, even with the influx of 25 million of the former nation's last remaining sane citizens, bringing the United Alaskan population to 25, 650,000.
"Yup," the President said, "we're going to start all over again...and this time we're goin' do it right. You betcha' Buckwheat!."