The disastrous economic meltdown started by the sub-prime lending fiasco in America has now spread globally. The United Nations Security Council has met in an emergency session at its New York headquarters and voted that all banks in the world need immediate rescuing. Coordinated bailout plans, involving both civilian and military operations have commenced worldwide.
One of the first banks to be rescued is the Left Bank in Paris. "La Rive Gauche must be saved at all costs", stated charge-d'affair Serge Noyade. "There is so much colourful history on the left bank of the Seine. How could we let the charming and trendy Latin Quarter, St Germain, La Sorbonne, the Eiffel Tower go under? Mais non! Mon Dieu! C'est impossible!"
On the other side of the English Channel, Dad's Army volunteers have been trying to shore up London's South Bank. "The Thames is just as historic and important as the Seine", asserted Lord Winthorpe Soggy-Bottom, who is directing the efforts. The South Bank is the heart and soul of London's cultural and arts centre, and adorned by brutalist architecture such as the National Theatre and the Royal Festival Hall. "These reviled and ugly concrete monstrosities uplifted our spirits after the war and must be preserved. Of course, the London Eye is nothing but an eye-sore and can sink with the Eiffel Tower as far as I am concerned," huffed and puffed Lord Soggy-Bottom.
Across the Atlantic, the Canadians are frantically attempting to bail out the Grand Banks of Newfoundland. "Whoever called the Grand Banks of Newfoundland 'shallows' is clearly mistaken", reported Captain Jean Garçon d'eau of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police - Gendarmerie royale du Canada. "We've been bailing with buckets for 16 hours non-stop and haven't even made a dent in St George's Bay yet." Garçon d'eau added, "We have hauled in quite a few cod pieces, though, which is a good thing. Sacrebleu! This water is cold as hell. All our helmets have turned blue."
Elsewhere in the world, there have been extraordinary examples of international cooperation. In the Middle East Israel, Jordan and Palestine have set aside political, religious and ethnic differences to bail out the West Bank and Gaza Strip. "Israel has never wanted to see the West Bank go under", asserted Tzabar Luegner, Israeli Prime Minister for 45 minutes this morning. "We only built the wall to keep them from getting flooded with international aid. This morning the Knesset has voted funding to raise the wall another two meters to further protect the West Bank." Jordanian palace spokesman Abd Al-Malik also spoke of the historic brotherhood between Jordanians and Palestinians. "Jordan has sent an emergency shipment of 12 buckets to the West Bank and another 5 buckets to Gaza. We will also bring up the topic of saving the West Bank and Gaza at the next Arab Summit to be held at the new $1 billion Burj Dubai skyscraper in 2012."
The global banking crisis has now seeped into every niche market as well. Today, both the Nobel and Chinese Celebrity Sperm Banks have acknowledged that they have overdrawn on their deposits and reserves and will be included in the UN bailout. "Sperm banks are slippery business in the best of times," warned Hans Knudstrom from the Nobel Sperm Bank in Oslo. "But we are a brainy bunch and intend to mop up this problem. There will be no stain on the great name of Nobel, and you can take that to the bank." Zi Jing, director of the state-run celebrity sperm bank in south west China's Sichuan province, pleaded for hands-on assistance. "Right now we are in a crisis. We need buckets and buckets of bailout. The Chinese People's Liberation Army is single-handedly working around the cock (clock). The young men are exhausted but are not complaining."
Due to a computer glitch, many individuals have ended up unexpectedly benefiting from the worldwide bank bailout. Everyone in the world with the surname Banck, Bank, Banke, Banks, Bankes, and Banker have received electronic bank transfers in the billions of pounds over the past 24 hours from the Bank of England. In an attempt to put a positive spin on the latest government records kafuffle, Chancellor Alistair Darling claimed it was only right. "Our researchers at the National Archives at Kew have informed me that 'Bank' is essentially an English surname of Danish-Viking derivation, originally given to a person who lived on the slope of a hillside or riverbank. There's no more slippery or precarious place than that, so they deserve that cash bailout as much as anyone."
One lucky recipient, Abayomi Banks, who runs his internet scam business from an internet café in Lagos, Nigeria, was overjoyed at receiving £1.3 billion in his bank account. "Hallelujah! I've sent out bogus emails to everyone in the western world for the past 15 years asking for money, and the most I've ever gotten back was $250,000 from that lady in Des Moines. God and the Bank of England have answered my prayers. Praise be!"
UN spokesperson, Daisy Charade cited the above example as definite progress to shore up all the world's banks. "With coordinated efforts and initiatives like that, the banking crisis will soon be history. It's a little too early to celebrate, as it's only 4:15 p.m. New York time, but as soon as we hear that closing bell over on Wall Street, you can bet the entire UN staff will be hitting the bars harder than usual."