Tainted Chinese milk products containing melamine may have been used in the manufacture of cheese for toasted sandwiches sold in Great Britain. The World Health Organization, an arm of the United Nations, is demanding a recall of all affected products.
Thus far, there is only one case in England of illness due to the tainted "toasties." Mark Lowton, professional DVD rewinder and owner/editor of TheSpoof.com, has been hospitalized since Wednesday.
Lowton, however, refuses to place the blame on his favorite food and says that the fault lies in his wife's forcing him to do spring cleaning on the first week of autumn.
When police searched the Lowton home, they found two chest freezers and three uprights stocked with the questionable product. It is unclear at this time whether Lowton was simply hoarding or whether he intended to distribute the sandwiches with the intent to harm others.
Side effects from eating the tainted food include growing large, handlebar mustaches, talking incessantly about joining the cult of Jesus Budda, screaming that "Chester should have won a Pulitzer for writing," having sexual fantasies about livestock, and playing naked Jenga.
If readers should come across anyone displaying any of these symptoms, they should avoid them and contact officials immediately.