Written by David David
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Friday, 26 September 2008

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Chinese Launch Bird's Nest Stadium into Space

China stunned the world once again today by launching its Beijing Olympic Bird's Nest stadium into space. The Chinese Space Agency had billed their latest mission as a space walk for the three Chinese taikonauts onboard their Shenzhou-7 space craft. However, when hoards of Beijing tourists showed up to take photos of the Bird's Nest stadium early today only to find a vast hole in the ground, the government issued a statement confirming that the Bird's Nest was in orbit.

Zhang Zi, Chinese Space Agency spokesperson, told reporters, "We have been able to move our space programme forward by 200 years with hard work, intelligence, and fake aerodynamic engineering degrees." Zhang stated that the launch of the Bird's Nest had been kept under wraps until after the conclusion of the Olympic Games in Beijing. "Actually, we were going to launch the Bird's Nest as part of the closing ceremony, but officials thought that would just be too much cheek."

Speaking from space, chief taikonaut Qing Tao told ground crew at Jiuquan Satellite Launch Centre in northwest China that the mission was going according to plan. "The only reported problem so far is that we found London Mayor Boris Johnson still wandering around in the Bird's Nest. He had that flag all wrapped around him so he didn't know where he was going."

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao hailed the mission's success and congratulated the taikonauts. "By launching the Bird's Nest in orbit, you have lifted our spirits as well. Nobody is talking about milk products anymore." An anonymous official closely associated with the top echelons of Beijing, has however, leaked a secret document ordering the taikonauts not to go anywhere near the Milky Way.

Stock markets in Shanghai and Hong Kong skyrocketed upon hearing the astounding news of the launch, anticipating massive commercial benefits. Dim Sum, chairman of the Shanghai Stock Exchange told reporters, "We have inside information that the Bird's Nest in space has already been fully booked until 2130. And there are rumours of another launch soon that will put Hong Kong Disneyland into space as well. We're telling all our investors "The sky's no longer the limit!"

The taikonauts are now busy stabilising the Bird's Nest orbit directly over the North Pole. "We thought using the Northern Lights for a permanent light show display instead of fireworks would be a nice touch", cheesed Qing Tao.

An elaborate opening ceremony for the Bird's Nest in space is now being planned. Details are being closely guarded, but it has emerged that Chinese Paralympic hero Hou Bin is signed on to lift himself and his wheelchair from Beijing to the top of the Bird's Nest in its orbit 213 miles above the earth. "Why not?" quipped Hou. "My heroes have always been Chang'e and Jack and the Beanstalk."

Praise and congratulations for successfully orbiting the Bird's Nest have been pouring into China from governments around the world. Except for Taiwan where there are reports of massive engineering works underway to bolt the island firmly into the earth's crust.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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