Written by Steddyeddy
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Friday, 19 September 2008

image for Hadron collider "Big Bang" claims first human victim
Collided atoms are stored for use later

The Hadron Collider has claimed its first life following its dramatic switch on at 8.30am on the 10th September.

Despite the EU's attempts to suppress the news, a leaked memo to the Alderley Edge branch of the Co-op Funeral Home has confirmed this first victim of the "Big Bang".

In the leaked memo, the sender, a Mrs Davina Pastitt, wrote to the director of the Funeral Home, Mr G Rimmreaper to tell him that her brother-in-law, the Very Reverend Pastitt, passed away at 8.33 on that fateful day.

The Shadow Health Secretary, Sue Positrie, immediately sprang into inaction and said:

"I knew this would happen. When the switch was thrown, the button pressed, the string pulled or whatever they did to switch the Hadron Collider on with, I knew there would be a death as a result.

"You can't go messing around with particles and expect someone not to die." she concluded before claiming expenses.

The director of the Funeral Home later went on BBC North West to admit the content of the email and what had happened.

Reading out a very convincing statement, incorrectly punctuated and in a boring, funeral-director style drone, he said:

"We regret the passing of the Very Reverend Pastitt at the very time the Hadron Collider was turned on. The fact he was terminally ill and should have passed away three weeks ago has no bearing or effect on his sister-in-law Mrs Davina Pastitt trying to claim untold thousands from her insurance company or to sue the Hadron Collider.

"I can offer my personal support and the support of the local Medical Examiner who will confirm that the Very Reverend Pastitt did pass on at the precise time the Collider was switched on.

"Would anyone mind if I went to the toilet please? I had a Vindaloo curry last night and my own hadrons are colliding."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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