"Hero" tabloid journalist was being mourned world-wide after dying suddenly on his commode. Stewart "Danny Boy" Maclaine, 33 3/4 years old finally succumbed to a chronic illness and passed away while defecating on his commode; which is an old fashioned chair that the elderly, the sick and people from the past poo into.
"Heaven-Bound Tabloid Journalist"
His Editor at the "Daily Scum" stated " We are all in shock here, we is. 'e was a good and 'onest man, who deserved every penny of his £80,000 salary ($170,000), Stewart was known and revered for being able to write a whole story by simply reading tea-leaves".
"Sports Socks in Discount Clothing Outlet £2.99 for two pairs that's Good Value"
Stew-pot's Brave Editor added " He got sick last year after that Jo "Bint" from S-Club and Big Bro didn't top herself. He thought she would surely go to bed with the aspirin and Vodka and not wake up in the morning after the complete piffle he wrote..... but when he saw her buying sports socks in a discount outlet he fell into a deep depression".
"Northern Heather Mills speaks with ACCENT"
"It was as if he did not have the will to live. Heather Mills' divorce settlement finally pushed the poor chap over the edge. You see he had brought tar and feathers to pour over the Northern Trull, but all he was able to do was read about the large amount of money she got from that scouser who was famous in the sixties"
Stewie was thought to be fluent in many languages such as bullshit, drivel, tosh and rambling all which he spoke with a received pronunciation accent. Received pronunciation is accent that distinguishes the influential classes who write the tabloids from the un-educated dung-stained ramble who buy the tabloids.
"Gary Glitter, O.J Simpson and Michael Jackson No Help"
Close friend of the gallant journalist stated that recent scandals with Gary Glitter, O.J Simpson and Michael Jackson were of no help to the "ailing" newspaper man. One close friend said "not even Jade Goody's women's thingy cancer picked him up, brave Stew-Pot didn't even laugh when wig-wearing, gun-toting, red-sea parting, monkey-bashing Charlton Heston died and went to hell".
"Friends called Stuart "Stew-pot" as a Nick-Name"
An inside source revealed that "Stew-pot" had no interest in his usual interests such a "drink, drugs and denouncing wrong-doers".
"Family Friend is the Author of the Story"
A family friend revealed Stew-pot was in good spirits when he died " as he had just heard the news about someone dying or going to jail or being sad. Oh dear I forget which one it was....anyway he wanted to take a "Big Crap" to clear his head and then he would start writing again".
"Family Friend Continues Talking Sense"
"Sadly it wasn't to be, we heard an enormous noise, which the doctors have now told us was a "gigantic pungent fart" and "BANG" Stewpot was dead on his beloved antique shit-box". The friend added the "Poop-Chair" will be auctioned and the proceeds will go to Stew-pot's favourite charity "Save the Tabloids".
"Memorial Service to be Held in Canteen"
A memorial service will be held to honour Stew-pot's work. While many of his colleagues will be turning out in their droves, the idiotic public have not been invited. As Stew-pot's press colleagues do not wish to catch germs or "accents" from the people who pay their wages.
"Hot Babes and Cute Babies invited for Photo Opportunity"
However "hot babes" under 25 years old are welcome and "Cute Angelic Little White Kiddies under eight". The rest of the public can "get f$!ked" said the editor of the "Daily Scum" yesterday, bravely wiping back crocodile tears.
"Stewart's Mother Lashes Out"
Stewarts "lovely" British-Born Mother said yesterday "My son was a hero and should be remembered as one. In the end he clung onto that piece of bog paper tighter than he clung onto life. We shall all miss him greatly. We will be having faggots and peas after his memorial service. It was his favourite food and if he wasn't a corpse he would be tucking into them himself!"
"Help The Tabloids"
Stew-pot's Flag-Flying British Mother then said "Everyone can keep my little boy's memory alive by regularly buying a tabloid newspaper as the money is directly donated to his favourite charity that way. If they do his death would not have been in vain!"