Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 19 September 2008

Tired and have no time to stop by the local church? Have not been able to see your priest to confess your sins due to the workload? Unable to pay your last respects to the dearly departed neighbor or childhood friend? No problem!

The Catholic Church has announced that they are bringing themselves into the 21st Century with the new Virtual Church!

Cardinal Manuel Amor Con los Ninos of the Seville, Spain Diocese demonstrated the new services for performers.

"If you wish to attend a friends funeral and cannot, you can go to the website for your local church, search his name on a newly departed list, and then press F5. This will light a virtual candle on one of the monitors by the altar."

"If you need to visit the confessional, but do not have the time, we can take confessions now through e-mail, instant messaging, or text messaging. Function F4 will say your "Hail Mary's" and move the beads of your rosary for you. Press it once for each time the virtual Priest requests that penance."

"In the regular world, there are text message phrases such as LOL, which everyone knows means laughing out loud. Soon, all good Catholics will know the new phrases for text confessions. ISWMN or ISWMNHD will mean "I slept with my neighbor" or "I slept with my neighbor's hot daughter."

Following are other textisms that will be used for Catholic confessions:

  1. BMW (not the car): Beat my wife
  2. BMC: Beat my children
  3. BMM: Beat my meat
  4. ( o )( o ): Slept with my neighbor (female)
  5. (.)(.): Slept with my neighbor's teenage daughter
  6. . . : Slept with my neighbor's child
  7. c=== : Slept with another man
  8. c= : Slept with a little boy (mostly for Catholic priests)
  9. c=================== : Slept with a black man
  10. xxx c=== : Gave a man a blowjob
  11. [ o ] : Took it in the back door
  12. [ 0 ] : Took it in the backdoor from a black man

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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