Bloodyvostock - (Ass Mess): Cops have smashed a 1552 mile long underground vodka pipeline between the Kremiln and the Abramovich Arms pub in Chelsea.
Dozens of moonshiners are under arrest and the smuggling scam has seen 90% of subterranean EU 'telecom networks' dug up in evidence.
The cheap Russian liquor scam would have made Abramovich enough money to pay off pesky $300 million divorce debts according to sources close to his wallet.
Now the entire scam is on the rocks.
Russians, of course, are notoriously serious about their booze.
In 1981 a topnotch member of the British royal family addressed this point in a speech to US Congress about the source of Cold War tensions.
"The trouble with the Soviet Union is that at any given moment in time half of all Russians are drunk."
A pregnant pause was only interrupted by quiet, satisfied purring from NRA members in the audience.
"And the other half is just plain thirsty."
A young-ish George Walker Bush was then heard cackling in the public gallery of the Congressional building:
"I know in which half I'd rather be!"