Washington - US lawmakers, under pressure from some of the largest women's rights groups in America have decided to cut Florida out of the Union - literally. The nation's largest tourist destination and 27th state will be shaved off and set afloat in a move one feminist leader described as "my biggest vicarious fantasy."
In a move that is sure to rile old people and Ontarians, the State of Florida is slated to be detached from the main body of the United States of American in the largest public works project in history starting in June 2005. Lawmakers passed the unprecedented measure though a pork-filled bill that originally started out as a new prescription drug package for the uninsured. Apparently the bill also calls for West Virginia's boundaries to be redrawn to look more like a vagina.
As it is known to happen in election year politics one side of the isle's lobbyist gave way to the other side's lobbyist and before "filibuster" could be uttered, the vote was taken. Political insiders say this was a concession from the Republicans to feminist in exchange for making sure Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York) lost support in her re-election campaign. In the wake of the changing landscape of laws pertaining to same-sex marriages and leading up to the 2006 mid-term elections the feminist opinion appears to be increasingly important, similar to this year's "Nascar Dads".
Visibly angered, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush tried to put a positive spin on the impending "chop-chop" as the project is being called. "I have been assured that we will be able to sustain most of our economy as an island nation."
He spoke of the heart and the will of the people of his state that would ultimately see them through the tough times. "Our initial studies indicate that we will be able to stay afloat for several months. Using the state's finest natural resources, Cuban Americans, I'm sure we will be able to paddle our way to any number of countries that would love to have us. Already I have had offers from many nations that lack significant phallic geography."
Penis Envy Rears It's Ugly Head
Across the country, in every state but Florida, women's groups celebrated the news. "This will give the United States a much less obscene profile," said Solidarity spokesperson Nora Schriver. "We've been the laughing stock of the feminist world for decades now. I mean it is kind of hard to work Italy over for looking like last season's Prada boot reject when we have an engorged member hanging off into the Atlantic."
NOW's President Kim Gandy went as far as to call the procedure "the greatest day in the history of our very eunuch struggle." At that point she declined to answer any further questions, instead opting to launch into a sinister laugh for the duration of the interview.
As preparations are already underway for the inevitable many Florida business owners will try their luck and stay in Florida. Walt Disney World, one of the state's largest employers, is not one of those staying around however. Directly after the plans were made public for the split, the Disney Company announced they would be buying Atlanta and moving their operations to the Peach Tree state. Ted Turner, Atlanta's previous owner was not happy about the takeover but seemed resigned to his fate saying "it wasn't the first time (he'd) been screwed by nutty feminist."