Written by Rusty
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Jesus, vagina

Saturday, 13 September 2008

image for Schoolgirl's Snatch Thatch Bears Face of Christ
Worship at the Shrine of the Sacred Snatch

Chantelle Slutrunt, a seventeen year old Smegmadale schoolgirl studying for her A levels in Shoplifting and Knife Fighting at the town's Asbo Central Education Trust, has set the Christian and Judaic religious worlds afire after her younger brother Wilf posted pictures of her mons veneris on Facebook.

Chantelle explained to media reporters "I 'ad no fuckin' cash for a coupla biftas n a bit of snort like yer know, so Wilfie sez 'e'll lend us a coupla 'undred quid outa 'is drug dealin' money if I let 'im take a piccie of me snatch."

Within a week the photos were posted across the entire internet with one Google site displaying blow up pictures receiving two million hits in a day.

Not more pornography, one might comment, dismissing the issue as another teenage prank gone too far.

But this bit of mischief by Wilf and his cellphone camera has had far reaching consequences. When viewed on Facebook and other websites, the close up photos he took of Chantelle's pubes are a perfect match for the face of Jesus in Leonardo's famous painting of the Last Brunch.

Critics and sceptics alike have questioned the manner in which Chantelle's pubic bush might have been groomed and perhaps set with gel, or shaved and plucked with tweezers, to create this mystical facial image of the Big J'.

However, following an up close and personal examination by a Vatican appointed investigative team of three nuns, a gay vicar, and a forensic barber the verdict returned is that the pubic phenomena is genuine.

"It's the real thing, all natural", the team informed media reporters. "After a full pressure wash and blow drying, whichever way her short and curlies are brushed, one shake of her buns and the pubes settle back into their original image of Christ, with Ms. Slutrunt's clitoris marking his chin dimple. It is a most moving and emotional religious experience to witness."

While the Catholic Church on one hand is trying to play down and dismiss the phenomena as a coincidence of nature, devoid of any supernatural connotation, on the other it is expressing outrage at the eBay auctions for 'Lucky Pussy' hallowed souvenir pubic hairs and T-shirts bearing the image of Chantelle's Messianic beaver with the optional printed legends of "Was Jesus a Twat?", "Worship the Divine Snatch" and "Heavenly Pussy" being marketed by her entrepreneurial brother Wilf.

A more sinister note to what the global news media are terming the Holy Pussy Affair has now arisen with the apocalyptic loony Jewish Chabad Lubavitcher sect claiming Chantelle as the chosen Virgin Mother of their coming Messiah.

This fundamental Judaic sect are Hell bent on hastening Armageddon to facilitate the Second Coming of Christ the Messiah and now intend to recruit Chantelle as their Blessed Virgin Matriarch.

Their desired objectives in kick starting the Apocalypse include the destruction of Jerusalem's Al-Aqsa Mosque, the restoration of the Third Temple on its site; the rapture and rising to Heaven of the 144,000 Chosen Ones (them, obviously); the battle of Armageddon and the mass slaughter of Israeli Jews, followed by the Final Coming of Jesus Christ.

So all in all, pretty much a busy summer weekend barbeque type scenario, apart from the corpses and radioactive fallout.

However, Chantelle's reaction to the Chabad Lubavitcher sect's offer has been somewhat less that enthusiastic.

"Who me? Virgin mother me arse. Are these blokes pissed or on drugs or what? Virgin, that's a fuckin' laugh, I've 'ad more prick than a dartboard. I ain't 'avin' any baby Messiahs either, I might come across as a bit of a thick slapper but I takes me birth control pills every mornin', so they can all fuck off 'cos I ain't joinin' their club."

Pilgrims are advised that the Shrine of the Sacred Snatch, currently housed in Wilf's garden shed, shall shortly be relocated to a new chapel of worship on Smegmadale's Reliquary Street, next to the Moron Church of Latter Day Sluts and the Temple of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Make Rusty's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 4?

9 7 21 8

Go to top