Written by Steddyeddy
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Wednesday, 10 September 2008

image for Stephen Hawking runs his own alternative CERN "big bang" experiment
The scene outside Professor Hawking's shed earlier today

On the day when scientists attempted to re-create the aftermath of the Big Bang in the world's most ambitious scientific experiment by crashing two particles into one another at a speed greater than even a Sheffield tram, Professor Stephen Hawking undertook an experiment of his own in protest at not being asked to push the button.

The irritated professor said:

"I have a fair idea about how the world was made. A lot of people think some chap in the sky did it in six days, and on the seventh he rested.

"Well I know for a fact that the BWMU - the Biblical World Maker's Union - with their strict 37.5 hour week at the time, would not have allowed God to work a 45 hour week, because back then there was no provision for overtime.

"I have set up my own alternative experiment in my back-garden shed. At precisely 10.55 am, or whenever Ken Bruce finishes his 3 in 10 quiz, I will press the button on my own CERN experiment. I propose to crash two black holes into one another at unbelievable speed, in my own specially-built "Hawkingerator".

"This machine took me over two months to build and cost upwards of £173. It is over one metre long, and contains some of the most intricate instrumentation - including an LCD panel, a dial and a red plastic on/off switch (the dial was on special offer at Maplin you know! Buy one at £9.99 and get one free!) - ever assembled in a domestic shed.

"I hope to prove that two holes are better than one, which I have said all along is so vital, especially if you are an Eskimo fishing in the ice."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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