Vatican - (Holy Shit! Mess): The Vatican is ourtaged at reports that its latest canonization fodder, former UK prelate Cardinal Newman, was in fact Jack the Ripper.
Last week the Pontifical Orifice for Digging Up Corpses demanded that Newman's bo0nes are exhumed and all Jack the Ripper evidence destroyed from the burial crypt.
Newman is buried alongside his lifetime gay partner Father Ambrose St John in a custom-built his 'n' his mausoleum.
The Pope now wants him to be dug up, stripped of his Ripper memorabilia and reburied in Birmingham Suppository.
"Without this tweaking of history Cardinal Newman will remain a thrn in the flesh of Jesus," a Curia source said today.