Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: London, al-Qaeda

Thursday, 27 May 2004

image for Muslim Cleric Fails in Attempt to Start Terror Training Camp in U.S., Left Eye Blamed
Freakin' Seriously: Enough Already!

Eugene, OR - Radical Muslim Cleric Mustafa Kamel Mustafa was arrested in London Thursday for his role in trying to start a terrorist training camp on U.S. soil. Officials say Mustafa was the key figure in a small al-Qaeda group that was actively recruiting members in rural Oregon.

It appears that Mustafa had some difficulty in starting and maintaining the terrorist camp. During the months that he was in charge of camp recruitment the FBI says Mustafa was not able to secure any trainees. Special Agent Jim Tackett in charge of the operation that brought down the al-Qaeda camp talked at length about some of the methods used to recruit individuals. "At the beginning they figured Oregon would be a goldmine for disillusioned, radical idealist. Even recruiting in a college town, it was quickly apparent this was not the case." Agent Tackett continued, "They then changed their tactics and promoted themselves as Extreme FUNdamentalist, and promoted the camp as ‘the most radical and intense extreme sports/anti-American propaganda two weeks of your life!'." This tactic, according to the FBI, did not fly either.

The real trouble for Mustafa began when he started a door-to-door campaign, complete with coffee house debates and free refrigerator calendar magnets with volatile captions on each month. While Oregon has long been known as a hotbed for leftist propaganda and extreme ideas it was apparent that even fundamental Oregonians balked at the chance to train with Mustafa.

College drop-out Ryan Jamison was one of the first people approached about joining the fight against "the great American Satan". He remembers the encounter vividly, "How could you forget something like that? It wasn't his policy I necessarily disagreed with but I literally couldn't stomach looking at the dude." Jamison elaborated, "I tried to be polite and not look at his left eye but how could you pretend to be polite about that. At times it would get all weepy and gooey, and you wanted to be all ‘Just wipe your eye already!'."

Others that were asked to join the terrorist cell by Mustafa had similar reactions. Tami Mendenhal of nearby Lowell gave members of the FBI her account of the suspect. "Me and my boyfriend Joe were leaving Applebee's last week and this creepy guy came up to us and wanted to know if we hated America. I guess it was because Joe was wearing a ‘Kerry ‘04' T-shirt or whatever, but I just couldn't stop checking out his deformed eye. He finally said, ‘what are you looking at?' and I told him he should get some drops or something or maybe a patch."

After being arrested Mustafa, also known as Abu Hamza al-Masri, gave the following statement, "I believed Oregon to be the ‘Mecca' of the western world. My cause has suffered greatly from this miscalculation. It is evident that most of the people there are simply interested in complaining. Even when I was able to get them past their shallowness and judgment on my horribly ugly face, I seemed to be only getting lip service when engaged in conversation. On the occasion I did find someone like-minded in my fervor and could share my ideas of disruption to our common enemy the most I heard in response was ‘That sounds kind of hard'. The trip was an utter waste of my time."

Mustafa Kamel Mustafa will be extradited from London to the U.S. to stand trial for on several federal charges and will receive a special Extreme Makeover: Terrorist Edition.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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