The world is definitely a less safe place since the Russian army invaded Georgia, a team of NATO eggheads revealed. A report to the United Nations Security Council is said to claim that "people living in the former Soviet Union aren't as safe as they used to be" and that "Russia probably has plans to destroy the rest of the world".
G8 ministers spent the day squabbling about the terms of a resolution condemning Moscow for its behaviour. A motion tabled by France, Britain and the United States calling Russia "very naughty" is opposed by Germany, which wants to delete the word "very".
The Russian President interrupted a busy meeting in his Evil Putin Underwater City, where he was sending a couple of his former aides to a painful death at the hands of his pet piranhas, by telling reporters: "It's a very sad state of affairs when one country can't invade one of its neighbours, cause mayhem and destruction, and kill hundreds, without being criticised by the rest of the world. In the past, that sort of behaviour was considered okay and even applauded. It shows that American spies have brainwashed everyone in the world."
Meanwhile, insiders in Putin's organisation report that the mad despot has recruited a number of Mentally Deranged suicide bombers to attend international meetings and produce violent explosive diarrhoea (VED). The so-called MedVed Project is rumoured to include the Prime Minister, Medved I, and the Deputy Prime Minister, Medved II.