Written by Rusty
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Topics: Snakes, Kissing

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

image for Malaysian Man Deep Tongues King Cobra
Kiss Me, Hardy (and I'll fill ya tonsils full of venom)

Abdul Shahimi Stupidtwat, a Malaysian reptile halitosis consultant, set a new Guinness World Record today for kissing a poisonous snake 51 times in three minutes.

The bizarre event, sponsored by Barmy Bastard Productions and Ripley's Believe It Or Not, was held at the Genting Highlands Kamikaze Zoophiles Club.

Members of the Serangoon Snake Smoochers Society competed to break the previous venomous snake snogging record set by American Gordon Mamba in 2004 when he spent the night cuddled up in bed with a thirty foot anaconda, engaged in French kissing and heavy petting.

The Spoof's Asian correspondent, Dougie Slackbladder, was in the Genting Highlands to witness the contest.

"It made my bleedin' skin crawl, watching a bunch of blokes engaging in deviant sex with helpless serpents. You could tell the snakes weren't enjoying it by the way they were squirming. The only satisfying part, for me, was when one contestant tried for a blow job off a Singapore Slingback Viper and got his bell-end and bollocks bitten. He was dead in minutes, writhing in agony. Great fun and laughs all round."

But the overall winner, and new world record holder, Abdul Stupidtwat, displayed absolute control over the fifteen foot long feral King Cobra he engaged for an involuntary snogging session.

Caressing the snake's neck with his right hand, the fingers of his left stimulated it's erogenous zones, bringing it to a mesmerized pre-orgasmic state, and powerless to resist his repulsive smooching.

However, the Kuala Lumpur based Ophidian Civil Rights group, ardent critics of the annual competition, condemned what they consider borders on snake rape.

The group's spokesperson, Ms. Watsit Cottonmouth, told TheSpoof.com "How can they award a new world record for kissing a King Cobra when the snake involved was a female. Surely this must be classified as a Queen Cobra."

"This poor reptile was trapped in the jungle and subjected to a very public, and televised, session of carnal ravishment against its will, solely to serve the ego-driven competitive commercial ends of a bunch of male deviants."

"Our group will be filing a case of sexual harassment on behalf of the cobra with the Ministry of Reptile Affairs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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