(Rome) God surprised the world's religious community late Monday (EST) when he announced that in fact, you now can take it with you. Surrendering, he said to pressure from the Union of Almalgamated Angels to raise money for their pension fund, God said that he "reluctantly must create in Heaven a system including different levels of comfort based on different levels of giving."
He went on to say that while you can take it with you, you can't actually keep it. "Donations at the highest level will exceed one thousand Space Khrona or about one hundred million dollars. This, the Gold Level, will include private clouds, specially prepared meals and the option of skipping the usually obligatory nightly hymns."
The system of levels will continue down to the Greywacke Level where residents of heaven will be expected to share their clouds with others on a rotating basis and take showers only when it rains.
"The real problem," God shook his head, "comes because angels being immortal have a long retirement. They do good works and you hate to see them retired to the Onyx level and shining their own wings."
He went on to guarantee that regardless of money everyone still has a chance at heaven. "It might be in steerage, but the voyage to the afterlife is still open to all," he said reassuringly.