Vatican City-- Pope Benedict named three new saints today in a ceremony at Vatican City. The three are the first new saints of the 21st Century and reflect our modern society. Roman Catholics believe saints are intermediaries between God and man and also serve as messengers. The new saints our: Saint Britney, Saint Paris and Saint Bill.
Saint Britney is the patron saint of lost underwear and nervous breakdowns.
"The laity will pray to Saint Britney for guidance if they misplace their last piece of clean underwear." said the pontiff. He added the faithful may like to pray to Saint Britney if they're having a nervous breakdown. She will guide the distressed into a more tranquil state, and will provide telephone numbers to local shrinks.
Saint Paris is the patron saint of airheads. She will protect lost souls with low IQ's. She will protect them from harm and help them understand that one plus one equals two. Saint Paris is also the patron saint of bed bugs, bed sores and bed pans.
Saint Bill of Seattle is the patron saint of computers. A quick prayer to Saint Bill will help rid computer viruses. Saint Bill is also the patron saint of bad haircuts.
"The laity will pray to these three new saints for guidance and forgiveness." said the pope. Some new saints will be announced at the next papal conclave in 2012. Future new saints include the patron saint of fast food, the patron saint of foreclosures and the patron saint of cell phones.