Written by Kent Pete
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Wednesday, 20 August 2008

image for Day I saw Queen fall Arse over Tit
Stay on your feet love.

Illegal Igor told last night how the Queen fell on her Royal arse at a banquet at Buckingham Palace when a footman pulled out a chair too far as she went to sit on it.

The Russian called it a "famous incident" which gave the staff a secret chuckle.

He said: "One of my colleagues pulled out Her Majesty's chair so she could sit down. But he took it out a little too far on purpose and the Queen hit the floor like a sack of shit. We were always playing tricks like that on them".

Laughter

"We all laughed about it after, but the laughter soon stopped when the footman was taken out into the courtyard and shot in full view of the catering staff, a BBC correspondent and President Nicolas Sarkozy of France"

However Igor still maintains that the Queen "is a very kind woman who was the best employer you could have".

He said: "Once I lost an arm in a chilling chain saw accident whilst working in the grounds at Sandringham."

"A member of the Royal household told me Her Majesty had asked after me and hoped that I got better soon. She even allowed me two weeks unpaid leave to recuperate"

Nutter

But he said crotchety Prince Philip was his favourite Royal.

He added: "I liked him because he has a great sense of humour. I remember one Easter when I cheekily asked him if he had any Chocolate eggs for the staff he said in perfect Russian, 'No chance. Do you think I am made of money?. If you don't like it fuck off back to Moscow you peasant"

"What other employer would have bothered to learn the language so well"

Shane Richie

Igor said most staff disliked Prince Andrew because he was "selfish" and "up his own arse".

He added : "He was the only member of the Royal family who talked down to you. However we did get our own back. Marcus who worked in the kitchen had an untreated urinary tract infection dating back to May 2005. He always made a point of pissing in Prince Andrew's soup whenever he ate at the Palace. It was the small things that made the job so enjoyable"

Igor also described Prince Edward as being "unusual", Prince Harry as "Potty mouthed" and Princess Anne as "excessively Caucasian".

A Royal source confirmed Igor worked as a porter, footman and trainee butler from 2002 to March 2008.

The source added: "Igor was well liked and the Royal household was pleased with his work. However when we discovered he was working illegally procedure had to be followed and he was dismissed."

Madam JoJo's

Igor told our reporter: "I really am going to miss working with the Royals. The staff at Buckingham Palace are such a laugh. The image I have of the Queen Mum frantically trying to find her teeth that we had buried in the garden will go with me to my grave. You always lived in fear that if you were caught there was a very good chance you'd be shot but to be honest that made it all the more fun. It's the adrenaline rush. Just ask Paul Burrell."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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