ANYWHERE-ISTAN: Recently-resigned, unwelcome in his own country and shunned by his once-loyal King's Party, ex-Pakistani "President-for-life" Pervez Musharraf has made the UK "an offer it can't refuse".
"In exchange for political asylum General Musharraf is prepared to train the 2012 Olympics UK shooting team. He is a great commando who always has his pistol by his side and he has been doing a lot of practicing lately. As the Indian government refused a similar offer, Musharraf is now prepared to help Britishers win 110% of the gold medals in London in 2012", said Butkiss Khan, the General's former right-hand man.
There was no comment from Gordon Brown's office. A charwoman interviewed by packs of salivating news hounds said she had not come across any important papers in the rubbish bin but would keep on looking.