Hey, cut the guy some slack! Vladimir Putin is just an ex-KGB agent and onetime murderer for that hated security agency that had once boasted 2 miilion bad guys within its ranks. Putin is now a wimpering pussycat. Just relax World!
Putin still awakes daily with first saying, "Good morning KGB. I owe life to you!"
The stone-faced relic of Soviet Communism, Vladimir Putin, puppeteer Prime Minister was forced to back down in Georgia by World censure, unlike Hitler's abduction of the Sudenteland in 1938. The Russians are still maintining a small presence in this stauch U.S. ally's territory and Russia won't remove itself completely from Georgia until it feels likes it!
It was supposed to be a no-brainer takeover of Georgia (Is the Soviet Union returning, comrades?), a bastion of democratic reform of the 15 former Soviet Republics. Georgia, well known in the post-Cold War era as a democratic, thriving nation and U. S. ally is headed by a handsome President, a Columbia University Law School graduate, Mikheil Saakashvilli, aged 40. We wonder if he likes Papaya King hot dogs, a staple in New York City. [Our Editor's question. Sorry.]
Putin has been so down about the 'Putin PushBack' that he has gone into a deep depression, feeling he has let down Stalin, his mentor. "Sure! What I now do when Stalin is in mind and even in bed, so cannot sleep and I see him even doing that nasty business with lovely wife Lyudmila. I am disgrace. If were olden days, I be off to gulag for failing to kick asses in Georgia. And, what I need now?; Dumb Polaks and meesiles systemics. Give major break to me, pleese. If Poland is too rough, I must nuclear all Polaks and their pigs!"
The Russian 'Committee of Those in Deep Caca' has advised Putin to see Dr. Andrei V. Zinsky, an expert in treating tyrants in the old Soviet Union and known for his "Kiss My Ass Bullying Treatment." He has brought back from near suicide Chernenko, Andropov, Brezhnev, Khrushchev, Gorbachev ('purple spot mania'), and Yeltsin.
The risk to Putin also is ED [erectile dysfunction], i.e., unable to complete the sex act, because of obsessing over Georgia and Ukraine as easy targets, now temporarily lost, and now the Polaks with U.S. backing, providing missiles with muscle to a former Soviet Satellite country.
The new Russia is trying to become Big Man on Campus once again, imitating the 'Soviet Grab.' Also, Putin recalls Ronnie Reagan's demand to Gorby to "Tear down this wall!" (Berlin, 1987). It's rumored that Putin shit in his pants when our "Bedtime for Bonzo, Commander-in-Chief, read the affable Gorby the 'Riot Act.' And, as the first sledge hammer whacked the Wall, his pants filled with brown goo. Putin was livid. "We built good Wall; now it is going to sheet."
The treatment underway with Putin is a multicompression of Freud, Kinsey, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Judge Wapner, and Pee-wee Herman for exteme stress reduction while watching porno movies in private viewing.
Said a finally ebullient Putin, "Dr. Zinsky and people who help, is all so cool. I soon be back and will keek Polaks to Polak Dreamland Sausage in sky. They are slime who threaten land of Czars and Monster good Boy Rasputin and nice Stalin and others who follow. Lenin was OK, too. Must feenish that Georgia stinky sitation and take Ukraine, too!
Reported by Yakov P. Tretsky
© 2008 The New Soviet Bear