Beijing, China - In a display of unprecedented backbone ever shown by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) in recent years, the IOC announced today that it intends to launch a formal investigation into the alleged violation of its rules by the practice of recruiting, training and usage of fetuses on the Chinese Olympic gymnastics team.
IOC officials became involved when other Olympic team members participating from other countries kept slipping on the mats and falling from the rings and balancing beam every time after the Chinese Olympic team members used them.
"I first thought it was perspiration," said Bob McCormick, assistant gymnastic coach for the women's USA team. "Later, testing of a sample of the slippery substance provided to be embryonic fluid."
The Chinese government, however, moved quickly to deny the charge that any of its Olympic gymnastic team members were fetuses, fully cooperating with IOC officials in an unprecedented manner than ever before by presenting all the passports of the gymnasts to verify their legal age, which qualifies them to continue participating in the Olympics for now.
Although publicly praising China for its openness, it is said that privately IOC officials upon closer inspection of the passports made them even more suspicious of foul play as all the photographs of the gymnasts were that of ultrasound images taken of them while still in the womb.
"They were doctored to look like regular passport photos, but you could still see the umbilical cord in many of the shots, and the clothing they wore were paper doll cutouts," said an IOC official. "Oh, and they all appeared to be floating in a confined space of some sort."
It is believe by members of the IOC that the Chinese government was somehow able to recruit and train fetuses for the Beijing Olympics in as far back as a few months ago and as recently as the opening ceremonies, just before the games started.
"Also, it appears that the Chinese government actively engaged in especially recruiting twins, training each one of them against the other all while still in the womb," said a spokesman for the IOC.
Apparently, the Chinese government then threatened to abort the loser (the one who fails qualified for the Olympic team) offering birth and a chance at life to the fetus gymnast who makes the final cut.
"That's absolutely appalling," said McCormick. "We have no such Olympic program in the West. It will take at least three months for us to conceive, recruit and train our new fetus Olympic gymnastics team, and that event is almost over and we only got a week left in the games, too."
Officially, the IOC will not begin their formal investigation into the controversial matter until the Olympic games have concluded, said a spokesman of IOC. As they see no need to begin an investigation at the moment as presently as team USA is leading in the overall number of metals count.
"China maybe leading in the number of gold metals for now," said McCormick. "Still we feel we stand a fair chance at stealing the lead in the number of gold metals from them as well. After all, we still got our new Speedo stealth swimsuit technology. Besides, I just got word from the state department that the entire Olympic team from Australia just defected to our side…I mean that they were just sworn in as citizens of the United States of America, bringing their Olympic metals over with them. So we are way ahead in the lead now."