Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 15 August 2008

image for Use of Bibles in Homes Changing
"Read your scriptures....or else."

The International Bible and Scripture Society had done research indicating that the use of the family Bible (and Koran, Book of Mormon, and Torah) is changing in modern times. Society President Abraham Chavez offered the following:

"It used to be that every family had a book of sacred scripture in their home. Often, children were taught to read from this book. Fathers gathered their children around them at night and read faith promoting and inspirational stories and thoughts from its pages. Family events such births, weddings, and deaths were recorded in the pages for posterity."

"Those days are gone."

"Today, we have determined that the Holy Writ serves much different uses in the home."

Following are the top ten new uses of the family scriptures, as discovered by the IBSS:

  1. Used as a booster seat at the dinner table when youngsters are visiting.
  2. Used to prop up that broken leg on a chair, sofa, or table.
  3. Used as a doorstop.
  4. Used as part of a school science project to see measure the largest collection of dust bunnys on any one book.
  5. Replacing the frying pan as weapon of choice in family fights.
  6. Used as a paperwieght.
  7. Carried onto the scales to help get the "before" weight before starting a diet.
  8. Replacing brick in back of toilet tank (for water displacement and conservation).
  9. Two words: kitty litter.
  10. Used as one of the "blocks" to help prop up the old car supposedly being repaired (for the last few years) in the garage.

Chavez did offer one final comment: "If these people don't start using their scriptures like they were intended, they'll all be burning in hell for a long time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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