Written by Chuck Barber
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Monday, 24 May 2004

Like the purloined letter in Edgar Allen Poe's tale of the same name, Osama bin Laden has been hiding in plain sight. Perhaps the most wanted man in American history, bin Laden has been captured in Peoria, Illinois where he owned a pet shop under the name of David Jablonski.

For over fifty years the children of Peoria have stopped by Croonza's Pets to gaze longingly at the dogs in the window, pet the kittens, or feed longtime owner Lou Croonza's favorite pet, Kaka the angry monkey. That all changed three years ago when David Jablonski walked in the door. Croonza shook his head, "I'd been looking to sell. I'm getting old and the barking gets to you. This Jablonski guy, he showed up, paid cash. What do I know?"

The Jablonski guy was Osama bin Laden. When captured, bin Laden was attempting to get Kaka the angry monkey down off the fluorescent lights. "I would have come forward sooner, but everyone seemed furious," he said. "I admit some of the dogs I've sold have been rambunctious, but I don't much think they make me a terrorist." As he was led off bin Laden continued to deny his guilt, "I'm not sure who the guy over in Afghanistan is. But it's sure not me!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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