Fifty RC pro-contraception advocacy groups are petitioning Pope Benedict to lift the church ban on artificial contraception in order to help the poor plan their families and prevent the spread of the deadly HIV virus.
Vatican spokesperson, Cardinal Ivan Mocatlics denounced the groups' demands as short sighted:" Why should the Mormons and other multiplying cults have more babies than the members of the one true catholic apostolic cult?! Even our own Italian people can't even replace their dead. In the face of this mysterious European sterility, the Catholic Church must encourage as much sex, er, I mean, as much reproductive sex in Holy Matrimony, of course, in the still fertile parts of the globe. In this case we are definitely in favor of some global warming!" the Cardinal explained with a sly snicker.
The HIV argument was answered by The Vatican secretary in charge of guarding the sanctity of the sex act, Cardinal Bairback:" The Word of God specifically prohibits the wrapping of the tool in Leviticus LIIX:liix! If you want to avoid HIV infection , altar boys are the best sex partners."