Written by Noel Deaden
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Topics: Airplane, Quantas

Friday, 25 July 2008

Engineers believe they have isolated the problem which caused a Qantas Boeing 747-400 to make an emergency landing due to a large hole appearing in the fuselage.

Wally McStrewth, 47, and his wife Kyleen, 22, of Lorralorralaffs, New South Wales, had been staying with Wally's cousin and wife in London.

"Me cousin Dennis said there's some nice blokes down the road what do this curry dish, so off we went," said McStrewth. "Crikey, if I'd've known the strength of that phall, I'd've never gotten on that plane. I'd've thought twenty pints of beer would've put the kibosh on it, but seems I was wrong. I couldn't get Castlemaigne tinnies, see, and nothing else works to settle me gut."

McStrewth admitted to being aware that all was not well before the start of the flight next day when the chemical sniffer at Heathrow shut down twice when he walked through. "I knew summat was a bit crook".

According to McStrewth, after the refuelling in Hong Kong was when the problems really began. "I tried to hold it in, but after we left Hong Kong, it was hopeless. I just had to go to the shitter. After I shut the door, I knew it would be a big one, so I just dropped me skiddies and let rip."

The first that the other passengers knew of McStrewth's explosive outgassing was a loud bang and a rush of foul sulphurous wind through the cabin. Those who hadn't slipped immediately into unconsciousness were focused on getting their oxygen masks on so, in the melée, no-one noticed a red-faced, red-arsed McStrewth return to his seat.

"I tell yer, that first unclench felt good. But I knew when I felt the wind on me cheeks that I really done some damage, so I flushed, pulled me kecks up and left" said McStrewth.

The incident is not without precedent. In 1988, an Aloha Airlines Boeing 737 lost part of its roof when an overweight businessman from Wyoming belched after a marathon garlic-themed luau.

McStrewth's wife chipped in, "I told Wal that foreign muck was no good for him. When I get 'im home I'll make 'im a proper meal on the barbie - kangaroo steaks, with fried wombat nose and nice thin slices of box-jellyfish marinaded duck-billed platypus beak on the side. That'll heal his ringpiece in no time flat."

A Qantas spokesman, Bruce Prawn, noted that the damage could be easily repaired using some flattened out XXXX tins, some chicken wire and a few pine-scented dangly deodorant trees, a repair procedure regularly carried out on Australia's national fleet of pickup trucks, colloquially known as utes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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