Written by Dan Bristol
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Topics: Satan, Hell

Saturday, 22 May 2004

image for Satan resigns as Prince of Darkness
The Devil's Horns, Pitchfork, and Cloak: Who will fill the void?

Hell - The world was shocked today when Satan, Lord of Hell and Master of the Dark Forces of the Universe hung up his pitchfork and horns and resigned, ending thousands of years of quality evil.

"I've had it," the Lord of Darkness told Spoof reporters today. "It's just not worth it any more. There used to be a time when being the Devil meant something, but for the past hundred years or so I just don't find my job meaningful anymore."

Underworld figures expressed shock and dismay at the news of Satan's resignation, among them Asmodeus, the Prince of Lust. "I never saw it coming," Asmodeus told reporters. "I mean, that dude really dug his job, especially all the nubile, naked succubi I used to hook him up with. Okay, so maybe the past century, things have been a little slow down here, what with humans creating Hell on earth, but hey, the market fluctuates like that, ya know?"

Sources close to the King of Vice say that the decision to quit his post comes in the wake of a host of competing pressures, from Osama Bin Laden to Michael Jackson. "Hitler made us a little nervous," said Dispater, Ruler of Hate, "but in the end our CEO was able to sign him on for a song. But with competition like Bush, Hussein and Martha Stewart up there, we just couldn't offer mortals the same quality of pure evil they were already getting from their own kind."

The Hell Regime had already been suffering from numerous budget woes in the wake of phenomena such as 9/11, the Florida Ballot scandal, and the return of bellbottoms. However, it has been surmised that after a review of recent events, the Sultan of Sin "just felt it wasn't worth the hassles any more," as it was stated by his Press Secretary, Jane Fonda.

The Prince of Darkness' sudden resignation has left a power vacuum in Hell. According to sources, millions of souls are left untortured. "However, most of them are Fundamentalists and Barry Manilow fans, so they can pretty much get by on the self-torture thing for the time being," said Lusifuge, Patriarch of the Hellish Tormentors.

Although it is not yet known who will replace Satan, sources have told The Spoof that the names of several industrialists, politicians, and religious leaders have been tossed around as possible successors to the Throne of Darkness.

As for Satan, the former Prince of Darkness has told reporters that he is considering running for public office. Barring that, the erstwhile Lord of All Evil is also considering starting up a new cable network.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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