al-Qaeda has announced plans to rebrand itself as al-Arguido, in a bid to have a higher profile. This follows the decision by the Portuguese attorney general to lift Arguido status from modern day heroes St Gerry and St Kate McCann.
Abdul Jihad, spokesman for the terrorist group's Kandahar division, said: "Our sources in the land of the infidels told us the McDonalds have been getting a lot of coverage for being this Arguido. We have been missing out and it is very unfair and unholy. Now that they are not the Arguido, we can change our name."
Mr Jihad continued: "We don't have quarrel with the McDonalds. In fact, we like their filet-o-fish. It does not have the un-halal beef."
al-Arguido hope the rebranding will help increase coverage in the Diana Express. But the paper's editor said: "We will continue to give our readers what they want. Diana conspiracy theories and Madeleine McCann stories. We'll leave stories about terrorism and global conflict to the low-brow papers."