Pope Benedict the Hypocritical has said 'I'm so terribly, terribly sorry' for the endless thousands of children that have been molested and raped by Catholic priests.
Wiping a tear from his eye, he added: 'I'd also like to apologise for the thousands that were murdured by the Spanish Inquisition. And I'd like to say sorry for trying to stop scientific advances, sorry for stealing billions of dollars' worth of art treasures, and sorry for collaborating with the Nazis, and doing nothing to stop them.'
Many were astounded by the Pope's admittance that the Catholic church has ever done anything wrong, and we interviewed a few passers-by in Rome. One, a Signorina Bella Donna, said: 'What, a men-only religion, where the male priests dress up in colourful dresses and hang around boys in uniforms leads to sex abuse? And it's taken a thousand years to spot this? Mama mia, no wonder I'm Protestant.'
The scandals will, of course, mean that the church, that preaches lack of wealth and helping others, will sell most of it's priceless paintings to compensate the victims. And will then consecrate 3 flying pigs as saints.
John Knox was laughing earlier today.