Wow! It ended abruptly. What was to be a knock-down-drag- out battle to last an estimated 10 more days turned out to be an 8-day divorce case involving a few bits of scandalous sex. The whole thing abruptly ended with the still- tantalizing piece of tail, the 54-year old Christie Brinkley, the clear winner by a classic knockout. But, the bout ended after an all nighter with the K.O. coming at 6:15 AM on the morning of July 11.
It was Christie all the way, yielding only $2.1 million of her estimated more than $50 million to Peter Cook, her estranged husband of 12 years. Her wealth resides in 18 properties and, basically, Mr. Cook ended up with the same child visitation rights he had had before the divorce battle began. So son Jack, 13, and daughter, Sailor, 10, stay with mommy. Cook also gives up the boat Christie gave him for his fortieth birthday with proceeds to be split.
Robert Cohen, attorney, did one heck of a job for the still-trophy wife Christie, after she brought allegations about Peter, claiming a year-long affair with an 18-year old assistant, paying the latter $300,000 to shut her up, spending $3,000 a month on Internet porn, and using a webcam to show himself masturbating to people in the swingers' circuit. Add to that, his steady squeeze, another lovely, and a 31-year old luscious housewife he wanted to bed. The Hamptons' housewife was very reluctant to testify.
By 3 AM, Peter was a wreck from Christie's unending barrage of "pig, bastard, pervert, skirt chaser, slut lover, rutting dickhead, scumbag, shmuck, fornicator, masturbator, cunt-smelling tongueman," and a few more. And, it was the elderly Robert Cohen, the lawyer(!), who had to intercede repeatedly by jumping on the massive "negotiations" table, as Christie would lunge at Peter, trying to claw out his eyes.
Christie brought Peter to tears, while he was saying, "Christie baby, it was only you, always, my darling cover girl. I did those things, because I'm just a bit boyishly weak. Can't we just kiss and make up? I did those silly little things only for some diversion. You know how men are."
Peter was drenched with sweat, as Christie would, without stop, lurch at him while her lawyer had to hold her back. At one point she went clear across the table, grabbed Peter's peter and testicles and squeezed the manly treasure until her face was blood red. Peter fell to the floor clutching his crotch in agony and screaming, "My god, stop the pain. I'm dieing!" Immediately, 911 was called to give Peter oxygen and medical personnel placed dry ice on his pants at the crotch area to quickly cool down his scrotal area to relieve some of the agony. Christie spit on him while he was writhing on all fours. He finally got up and placed his dripping forehead on the table still gasping for air.
Hollywod Zoom was there with a full crew to record the event, set for a special to be aired this September just after the divorce becomes final on September 12. Said Kimberlee Scaloney of HZ, "It's too bad Carlin just croaked, 'cause we got some words that guy never heard before. Well, screw the FCC, as HZ will still air every highlight and dirty word on some cable cable channel come this fall!" HZ's Finker Beans, HZ's CEO said, "No FCC can stop history from reaching the public in a free society."
Joan Rivers, a close friend of Christie was there the whole time for moral suppiort, but all the hag would say over and over again was, "Just look at her pure, smooth WASP skin... her face, her gorgeous breasts and ass...perfect shiksa [non-Jewish woman] for any man who walks this earth. And, this Peter putz [a Yiddish term for prick] needed other slash? I should be so lucky."
And, in order to get a first-hand reading for a special on marriage and divorce in America, there, in a corner was none other than Baba Wawa, with her trusty Minolta mini recorder getting every word. "I'm going to do a speciaw with Chwistie in October and wanted to intersperse reality with interwiew. This willw be the best Baba Wawa, as I'm fading qwuickly from pubwic view. I'm a wittle older now, so this show's gonna be a bwowout!"
Peter was represented, as well, for moral support with his guy pals, Bruce Willis, Andy Garcia, and, of course, Robert De Niro, who stared at Christie with toothpick in mouth, trying to scare the shit out of the lady, but she wasn't "buying." None of these cronies had any effect, despite Willis' "Lethal Weapons" demeanor, Garcia's mafioso look, and De Niro's doing his typical repulsive shtick. Christie just laughed them off, while sipping a Mai Tai in between harangues. Eventually, the macho trio found a couple of sofas to catch some shut eye.
The attending court-appointed psychiatrist severely scolded both Christie and Peter after the agreement had been signed. He chided Peter, saying Peter had morphed existentially Jungian and was now warped into a 'debilitated aura of nirvana' (a new psychological term for extreme narcissism and machismo). He ripped into Christie, calling her a slut by marriage and to keep her shorts on. "Ms. Brinkley...married to four shlongs [penises]? Were you comparison shopping, my dear?" He called her a 'repeat crotch-focused momma,' another new term in the lexicon of psychobabble.
Peter's divorce award will go to pay his legal team, but he later claimed, "I'm going to find some newer and richer spread to get back into the game. Women can't resist me!"
The shrink, an unimpressive 60-year old guy from Manhattan's monied Upper East Side of The City walked away with a cool half mill for about 6 hours of mostly listening and about 30 minutes of supposedly expert mental health advice. He was obviously very happy and said, "See...we Yid doctors cash in from all the sex stuff going on! By the way, I can use the bread, because I've got some hot lady by the touche [ass] and I feel I need to do some deeply- penetrating research and I'll, even, get a paper out of it, too! Not bad for a poor schlemiel [Yiddish for bungler] growing up in The Bronx!"
Copyright 2008 Modern Marriage and Breakup