Persian Gulf - (Extraterrestrial Mess): Royal Navy destroyers have been tracking a mysterious Iranian bong-shaped UFO.
The craft emerged from inside Damavand mountain yesterday morning, before scaling the heights and eventually disappearing thousands of miles away behind a secret Mossad mothership base in Azerbaijan.
Its flight trajectory left a lengthy pungent, greenish contrail which initially jammed signalling devices connected to the International Space Station's ballistic monitoring equipment.
Hundreds of thousands of seagulls were later reported floating aimlessly on their backs in the Straits of Hormuz and all the way northwards to the Shitt-el-Arab waterway.
Damavand, located at 5,671 metres above sea level and the highest protrusion in Middle East apart from George W Bush's ego, was previously thought to be an inactive volcano.
"This is the fifth time the Middle Alborz mountain range has been involved in UFO activity," a Pentagon source said today, "and nearly always follows a successful ganja harvest in the Mazandaran Province region."
Environmentalists have warned repeatedly that Azerbaijani cannabis markets have been choked to near extinction by the burgeoning oil industry.
"We're keeping a eye on this stuff," a Greenpiss spokesman said today.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is certifiable.