Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: Monkey, Rwanda

Wednesday, 19 May 2004

Rwandan citizens, voting last week via monkey mail, chose the United States as the Most Ludicrous Country In The World by a 4-1 margin over the second place finisher, Sierra Leone.

Mbendo Naloute, manager of Rwanda's lone television station ticked off the reasons America won the vote: "In America the number one male music star is an accused child molester; the number one female singer is a no talent swamp girl with plastic breasts; the music they produce is awful, yet spreads around the globe; their movies are jingoist, racist and oblivious to both; the fast food they create is poisoning the world; they do not understand that their waste products are fouling the globe; the automobiles most people drive get four miles to a liter of petrol; the ruler of the country is an imbecile led by his evil minions, all of whom believe that threatening to attack other countries militarily is the way to establish good relations; the athletes are all using steroids and the women have come to resemble Russian female shot putters; and to top it all off, they are shocked when they discover the rest of the world does not like them."

Rwanda last made international news in the mid-1990s when its citizens went berserk and killed each other with a frenzy seldom seen outside of bad zombie movies. One voter, Lago M'tale summed up the vote thusly: "even when they chopped my arm off with a machete I was laughing at America."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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