(Chicago-Illinois) In an attempt to prove that she is not vying for the position of God or Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey denied rumors that her African schools are just ways to make her "slightest whim reality." In a related note, Oprah African school students dropped a petition to rename the country of Chad "Steadman."
(Washington, D.C.) To prove he's "got it with the youngsters," the McCain campaign today announced that the "Obama Girl" will be countered by the "McCain Cougar". AP calls to Cindy McCain's office confirming that she may take on the role of the aforementioned "cougar" have not been returned.
(Hollywood-CA) Proving true to her statement last year on CNN's "Larry King Live" that she will be a better, less promiscuous, person, Paris Hilton's has weighed in on global warming. Paris Hilton's reaction to it, "That's hot."
(Atlanta-GA) The American Fast Food Association, the lobby group for fast food franchises such as McDonald's, Burger King and Subway, announced the results of their twenty-five year study: Americans are not getting fatter due to increased consumption of fast food. The United States is just getting smaller.
(Washington, D.C.) More bad news for the United States economy, Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke claims the mortgage crisis isn't over. The silver lining? Bernanke added, "But don't worry. It'll seem like nothing after Social Security goes bankrupt."
(Washington, D.C.) A monumental down-turn for the Bush administration's Mid-East policy, the sole U.S. citizen in support of Bush's policy in Iraq today officially withdrew support. However, Laura Bush refused to comment on her decision.
(Hollywood-CA) To prove that he is as fair and balanced as Fox News and just as sane, Tom Cruise today made clear his position on Scientology. "Scientology isn't for everyone," said Cruise, "only for those who want to be spared when the aliens from the planet Kral take over the earth and turn it into a giant Ikea."
(London-England) Troubled pop-diva Amy Winehouse continues to battle claims that she's a racist. In a recent "Sun" interview, given between punching fans and stints in rehab, Winehouse claims that the entire matter was blown out of proportion by the "negros."
(New York, NY) In a related note, controversial and mumbling D.J. Don Imus came to Winehouse's defense on his show. Imus said that though he has never met Winehouse he had to come to her defense because "that's one talented Jew."