Written by kungfuiceskater
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Topics: Music, American Idol

Wednesday, 19 May 2004

image for American Idol Shock And Awe: Simon Cowell Heart Attack; Argues With Spoof Writer KungFu IceSkater
Simon Heart Attack Shocker!!!

The only music industry executive who actually deserves to change his name (from Clive Davis to "The Smackdown" or "Head Pimp In Charge") caused Simon Cowell, raconteur extraordinaire and future star of "The Limey 2", to have a heart attack early Wednesday morning.

Speaking from his hospital bed, Simon Cowell said, "You know, Clive Davis is the true king of the music industry. I wanted to criticize his bald spot and his soft, "male-friendly" voice but I was too intimidated. I bottled it all up inside me and then I just blew up. Wow, my poor heart couldn't take it really!"

Writer KungFu IceSkater asked Simon if the heart attack had made him think about his user-friendly communication style. Simon responded "What????? Who the shit are you? Seriously, I want to spend as much time with you as I spend with Jasmine Trias. . I'm getting the fuck out of here. It's not bad enough that the nurses here are ugly but now I've got to waste my breath on you!!! Wait, aren't you that vicious writer that spoofs me all the time!!!!!!"

Not one to be outdone by a limey in a tight white t-shirt, KungFu retorted, "Your crack dealer asked me to apologize to you for selling you irradiated crack. It's made you impotent. I'm really serious. I'm looking at an FBI copy of your medical file right now. You talk a good game, but where it counts the most, you're screwed! No pun intended. The one thing I will say is that you'll be able to put all those "oral" skills to good use!" KungFu, ghetto writer, then did the moon walk around Simon's bed.

A stunned Simon was quiet for a little while and then said "That was good, I like you." "No, you're better", said KungFu, "No, you're as cold as a P-I-M-P", said Simon. "No you're a white boy and you can jump", retorted KungFu. "No……..

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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