Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Topics: Religion, God, anglican

Monday, 30 June 2008

image for Anglican conservatives re-form Inquisition
Not a happy camper, says GRRFCON.

Conservative Anglicans meeting in Jerusalem will create a global multi-faith network to combat modern trends in the Church, like birth control, independent thinking and insufficient tithing.

This batch of loonies has also decided to break its relationship with the liberal wings of churches and organizations worldwide, just for kicks.

It will operate independently of the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Pope, God, Jesus and all 'liberal' Rabbis and Muslim leaders but has already set up networking relations with the Latter Day Saints, the Southern Baptist Association, Rev Sun Myung Moon, Rev Fred Phelps and the Holy McCain campaign to re-elect Bush.

The traditionalists say they are fighting a "false Gospel" and the rift between God and Man cannot be patched up without a return to the old-time values of the famed Spanish Inquisition.

After five years of trying unsuccessfully to get the American church expelled for its ordination of an openly gay bishop and blessing of same-sex relationships in church, the traditionalists say the international alliance will emphasise a more orthodox reading of the Bible by reinstituting the traditional penalties of excommunication, death by stoning, plagues of locusts and that millennial favorite, crucifixion.

The plan is expected to be adopted on Sunday, the final day of the Global Rabidly Religious Future Conference (GRRFCON), where some 1,100 traditionalists - many from developing countries and unable to read or write - have been meeting in Jerusalem.

Long-standing divisions over how laymen should interpret the Bible have been widening steadily ever since a hung-over Martin Luther mistakenly tacked his shopping list to a cathedral door. Later attempts by Luther to correct the many misunderstandings that have resulted were, in a Word, unsuccessful.

"A major realignment has occurred and will continue to unfold," the GRRFCON group said in an official statement, adding "Things have not being going according to plan down here on Earth.

"God is seriously pissed."

More details expected on the seventh day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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