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Monday, 30 June 2008

image for Zimbabwe election results - an exclusive retrospect by the newly-elected president
Robert Mugabe's son-in-law is promoted to Finance Minister

With the presidential election now over, and the results in within 7 minutes of the polls closing, our man on the spot, Daz "I'm standing on the spot" Persil reflects on recent events.

Claiming 90% of the legitimate votes - or in numerical terms 273 of 303.3 (the 0.3 being the torso of Mrs Kanga Hammer) - Mr Mugabe was said to be happy that he had proved this to be a true and fair representation of the voters' choice in Zimbabwe. In an exclusive interview given to Daz Persil, Mr Mugabe revealed his personal overview of events and the outlook for the future.

On the election, Mr Mudgabe said: "This was a very hard fought election where I was up against myself in the final run-off. I fought hard and fair with myself, and at one point I thought that I might actually end up winning instead of myself. However, when the votes were finally counted under gunpoint, I was pleased to discover that I had in fact beaten myself and that I had actually won a landslide victory, instead of it going, as it so easily could have done, to me instead."

On the immediate future, Mr Mutgabby said: "First and foremost I must get the economy of Zimbabwe on a level footing with other world superpowers. I expect to reduce inflation to 2.3 million per cent within 2 years, and I forecast that our economy will actually be stronger than that of the Australian Barrier Reef.

On the future for the people, Mr Madgavel said: "My first task is to institute a Ministry for Intimidation, headed by my dear friend and peoples' champion, Dr Brutus Force. This is to ensure that people are happy and that an occurrence such as the formation of a credible opposition party does not happen again. We will be carefully monitoring the situation using a delicate balance of AK-45's, baseball bats and gently applied murder.

On criticisms of lack of press freedom, Mr Mardigras said: "I think this is most unfair that the world keeps accusing my beloved country of having no press freedom. For heaven's sake I have allowed reporters from Britain's Exchange and Mart, Channel 4's Big Brother and the BBC North West Weather access to my country, so what is the kerfuffle all about? If that is not press freedom, what is? If you really want press freedom I can let you visit many of my beloved journalists in Harare jail who will testify, under torture and duress, that they enjoy the most freedom of any of the world's incarcerated journalists. Although we may have cut their hands off by accident, they can still write whatever the like about me."

Mr Mogberry concluded: "The world may think I'm a crazy, megalomaniac with no respect for human lives, but I can live with that as a comment.

"But I can promise you that as long as I can continue to put money in a Swiss bank account, I am here to stay."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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