Written by Panndyra
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Tuesday, 18 May 2004

image for Apple Computer Issues Gwyneth Paltrow Ultimatum: Rename your baby or we sue
Paltrow and Apple, before she 'ripened'!

The head honchos at Apple Computer have contacted Gwyneth Paltrow and her rocker-husband, Chris Martin, and told them in no uncertain terms that they must rename their baby.

Apple Tangerine Pumpkin-Pie Paltrow-Martin had this to say, "goo goo, gaa gaa." Then, she pooped and fell asleep. Her mother and Oscar-winning actress who used to date Ben Affleck and Brad Pitt issued this statement via her publicist, Apricot Mango-Juice:

Apple Computer has no case to make against me and my family. This is just a situation where they want to get their name back in the tabloids, because, as everyone knows, the tabloids watch everything I do. I will not stoop to their level.

A source who is close to Paltrow, but not named after a fruit, had this to say. "Gwynnie named her baby after foods she craved during her pregnancy. She wanted something to show the world that her child is full of natural sweetness. She wasn't thinking about Apple Computer at all. Neither was Chris. They are just too artistic for that."

People all over the world are reacting to the trend.

  • In Argentina, a mother had twins yesterday. She named them Manzana and Fresa.
  • A New Zealander named his son, Kiwi, in a show of patriotism and love of his favorite fruit.
  • Pomegrante Jones just released her second book: Fruity Baby Names. It's number #3 on the New York Times Best-Seller List. New York, Wisconsin.
  • Another well-known actress who is about to give birth has decided not to name her baby Enid. Instead, she's going to call her Papaya-Guava Cox-Arquette..
  • Demi Moore has decided that she and lover Ashton Kutcher need to have a baby so that she can reclaim her throne for stupidest child name in Hollywood. Possibilites include: Passionfruit, Tomato and Blueberry.
  • Madonna applauded the move and said: "Wow! Wish I'd thought of an unusual name like that for my kids, Lola and Rocco."

Basically, Apple has no legal leg to stand on. "Trying to copyright a fruit's name is well, just fruity," Judge Judy Schwingling said. "I don't condone Ms. Paltrow's choice of name for her child, but Apple Computer has no right to request that she change the baby's name."

Apple is not going to withdraw their complaint. Sources close to the company say, "It's not ripe enough yet. We've planted the seeds and now, we'll wait to see if anything sprouts up."

Only time will tell. Stay tuned to the Spoof for updates to this story as they develop.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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